I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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