i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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