bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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