ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
