Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
