2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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