why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
