Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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