If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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