The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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