I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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