ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
