I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
my being single is dangerous.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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