I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
