well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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