I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
