You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Randomize
