dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize