Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
