Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
