so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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