Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
