Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
