Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
they're like a gay fantastic four
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
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