Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
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