Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
