my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
