did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I need to calm my uterus...
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize