My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
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