i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
