The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
please don't ironically join a cult
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