Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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