i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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