the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the condom got lost in my hair
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
