I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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