Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize