a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Every concussion has its silver lining
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
