Please, let me fuck your mom
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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