Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Randomize
