I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
