i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
