Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
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