I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
