I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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