Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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