I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
