My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
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