so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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