if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
