I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
That accounts for only three of the penises
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
