I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
