Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
