Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
