On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
