when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize