My first STD was from a foam party
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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