WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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