I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize