I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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