I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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