i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Randomize
